Monday, April 17, 2006

(yes "week" I haven't found the time to post daily SHUT UP!)

Fame is the perfume of heroic deeds.


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After the steaming pile of crap I just spent $8.50 to view I am even more confident in the ability of big mistake to sell. For those of you who do not already know, big mistake is the title of the film I am currently editing. Hollywood has fallen so in love with itself that all it feels need be done to make a movie successful is to show boobs and blow something up. Where the ape in me says, "Cool! Do it again!" the human here says, "When did we turn into apes?".

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Friday, February 03, 2006


Amoebas at the start
Were not complex
They tore themsleves apart
And started sex.

Arthur Gutterman, Sex

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I rarely let my monkey out of his cage, largely because when he's out people get hurt. Physically and/or emotionally there tends to be casualties. You see the monkey can only take so much. He can only sit by eating bananas while watching his wrangler (me) be accosted by idiots and charlatans for so long before he begins pacing his cage. The monkey can only listen to the ramblings of drunkards, incoherent simpleton and hostesses before he begins swinging around and pounding his chest. The monkey saw Ted Kennedy "speak" on television and he lost it! My monkey has been banging on the bars and yelling ever since. The fact that his wrangler (me) hasn't had sex (masturbation doesn't count) in a year last Tuesday doesn't help either. That really pisses him off. When these things build up enough he begins to crave red meat, fights, and sex. He would love nothing more today than to Have a steak, beat the chef who cooked it within an inch of his life and then ravage the waitress who served the steak. The thing keeping him in check is me (his wrangler) and I just don't know how much longer I can do it. If he doesn't fight or fuck something very soon it's going to get messy.

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Friday, January 27, 2006


I find no sweeter fat than sticks to my own bones.

Walt Whitman,Song of Myself

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The following is a reposting of an older blog entry of mine. Yep still funny.

- I realized awhile ago that I am a fat guy and I am okay with that. I will never be thin. It's just not going to happen. I like dark beer, and I will not stop eating carbs. That's another thing when did Carbohydrates become "carbs" according to webster a Carbohydrate is "any of various compounds composed of carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen." If that is true (and webster hasn't steered us wrong yet) then technically WATER is a "carb". I will be damned if I stop drinking water I would die. So I very well can't stop eating "carbs" because I would die. See where this is all logical?Back to me being a fat guy. I am and I don't have a problem with that. But it seems that no matter where I go I run into someone who does have a problem with it. They always have great advice for me. "If you walk a mile a day you can melt those pounds off." Hmmmm "melt" Ahh butter! "Fiber is the answer. You eat 12 bran muffins a day and you'll loose 20 pounds." Yes and I will never get off the toilet. "It's not what you eat it's how much you eat." Good I'll have a little red meat all day long.I have decided that I am going to start giving out advice on how to put the pounds on. From now on any skinny people giving me advice are going to get an ear full of my master plan on how to build up a healthy layer of fat.
1. Red meat. The redder the better.
2. Beer. The darker the better.
3. When possible only eat red meat from animals that are weaned on dark beer.
4. Fry it. If it can be fried then do it. If you don't think it can be fried then think again.
5. Butter. Buter makes everything taste better and go down smoother.
6. Bread. If it's red meat, breaded in beer batter, fried then buttered you have grasped the full "weight" of my advice.Because the best way to shut someone up is to get them to put something in there mouth! -

You decide what of that post is satire and sarcasm and what is truth.

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If I can catch him once upon the hip,
I will feed fat the ancient grudge I bear him.

Shakespear, Merchant of Venice

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